I Do Not Need A Yard Service

Robert Casey

English 1A

February 19, 2013

Essay 1

I Do Not Need a Yard Service

            Having just purchased new yard equipment I was eager to start saving that $75.00 per month we were paying for a yard service. A yard the size of ours I would need a Weed Eater, hedge trimmer, and a powerful push mower. After all, it is nearly ¾ of an acre with hickory, oak, and alder trees. A very nice hedge about 3 feet tall and wide guards the yard from the front and side near the road and is just the right height to see Table Rock Lake and Branson, Mo. from our living room and bedroom.

            I opened the box for the Weed Eater and discovered some assembly was required. A quick glance at the instruction manual gave me enough information to begin honing my skills as a yard artist. On the way out of the garage I pulled the trigger of the Weed Eater a few times just to hear the roar of the string and feel the torque twist this little devil in my hands. I began my quest at the outside of the hedge nearest the road. The more I pulled back on the trigger the faster the machine spun cutting everything in its path and flipping little sticks, rocks, and grasses everywhere. Cool! I was nearly half way down the hedge when I noticed my legs stinging and to my surprise when I looked down, blood. I guess wearing shorts while weed eating is not a good idea. It seems little pieces of wood and rock stick in your skin and leave a crazy pattern of cuts and abrasions. Into the house I went to tend wounds and to put on long pants.

After my little break I finished the work around the hedge and trees and headed to trim around the house. The trimmer was doing a fantastic job clipping back the grass close to the house. I came around a corner and found vines and tall grass was inching up behind the down spout. With my trimmer twisted just right I pulled the trigger to get that stubborn greenery. I had no idea that an electric Weed Eater has enough power to cut through vinyl siding and cut a down spout in half. I thought to myself “boy I am so glad the previous owner left those siding pieces in the garage”. Lesson learned – hand pull weeds and vines from behind down spouts and faucets, not a good place for power tools.

My next project is to trim the bushes and hedge. Out of the box came this power tool looking just like a saw tooth shark. Wow am I ready for this! A quick glance at the book to see where this little bottle of oil goes and I am ready to start making a fashion statement with my trimming. I plug the tool in with my new 100 foot heavy duty cord and pull the trigger and watch those teeth gnashing away. I can feel the power vibrating up my arms as I make unruly bushes succumb to my whimsical fancy. Now heading for the hedge I pause and look back smiling at what I had accomplished. I have gone about 25 feet making the hedge as level as possible when my trimmer caught something and unplugged itself. I looked around and didn’t see anything so I plugged it back in and then noticed the cord was not following. It looked like it was caught on a little branch. No worries, I give it a big flip and whip a large loop toward the branch and BINGO free it comes and fall directly on my trimmer. A quick blue flash and a loud POP and my tool are dead and so is the power in the house. I quickly run inside and let my wife know it’s only a blown breaker and power will be on shortly. Back outside I am repairing my now 97 foot long cord when I look up and see my wife laughing her ass off in the window. Finished the hedge and now I will take a lunch break. Lesson 2 – Always watch the cord.

Lunch is over, wife is calm now, all power is working fine, and I am ready to try that new mower. 4 horsepower, 26 inch cut, self-mulching; what a machine! A quick read of page 2 of the manual and I’ve got this baby together. Where’s the gas?

Here I am out in my yard pushing this mower around making neat little patterns in the grass. Mmm, smell that fresh cut grass, the mower exhaust. Feel the vibration of that motor and the roar reverberating off the house. Whack! Zing! What was that? I don’t see anything. Mower seems to be running ok. A few more steps and Whack! Zing! Crack! Wow, what are the chances a hickory nut will go through the siding on a house and not crack the shell? Lesson 3 – pick up hickory nuts prior to mowing.

I am carefully finishing the last few passes with the mower when I am viciously attacked by a swarm of yellow jackets. I let go of the mower and ran as fast as I could toward the house screaming and pulling stinging bees from my hair and ears. My wife assisted me in doctoring my stings and I went out to see that the yellow jackets are all around the mower. I went to the garage and grabbed a can of bug spray to ward off these vial creatures. They can fly faster than I can spray. The only thing I succeeded in doing was to get stung again.

I saw that my neighbor was home, a retired teacher, so I went to ask him if he could help me as I have never encountered this before. He suggested that I wait until dusk when the bees will settle down, find their hole in the ground, and pour a cup of gasoline down the hole. I waited until dusk and with my gas can and flashlight I slowly snuck up on the area and found a hole the size of a golf ball in the ground. I slowly moved the mower out of the way and got an empty tin can from the garage to make a funnel. I poured about a cup of gas down the hole and it quickly disappeared. I looked back at my wife, who was watching safely from the patio, and asked “do you think that’s enough? I don’t see anything”.

 Instead of waiting for an answer I decided to pour the whole gallon down the hole. Worried that I may not have done this job right and those damn bees could be back in the morning, I decided to go one step further. I grabbed some charcoal lighter fluid and a lighter and headed back to the hole. I know how flammable gas is so I am not going to get close to light it. I will make a little trail of lighter fluid to a safe distance and light it from there. Now my wife says “Is that a good idea?” I snapped back “It will be fine”. I lit the fluid trail and watched the flames creep toward the hole. Before the fire got to the hole there was a huge Whomp! And a big orange ball of flame exploded ten to twelve feet in the air showering bits of burning earth all over the hedge and yard. The ensuing fire lit the entire neighborhood with a beautiful orange glow.

When I got over the initial shock I ran to the garage and grabbed the garden hose, turned on the water, and headed to the front to fight the fire. About 20 feet from the fire I knew something was seriously wrong when I found myself airborne, upside down, and my arm nearly torn from its socket. My hose is a little short! I gathered my wits and set the sprayer on jet so I could reach the flames. It only took a few minutes for me extinguish the flames but not before I had entertained the whole neighborhood. They all had a good laugh and said how thankful they were that their houses are far from mine. Lesson 4 – Do not light gasoline you pour down a hole. Lesson 5 – Know how long your garden hose is and make sure it reaches all parts of your yard.

The next morning I went out to finish mowing the remaining lawn and do a damage assessment. To my surprise the hedge doesn’t look too bad with only 15 feet barren of leaves and little black twigs pointing skyward. The blackened lawn is mostly hidden by the remaining hedge and should grow back. I think the yard looks pretty cool. Has character.

Maybe I should read the entire owner’s manual for my equipment. Maybe I need to think about mistakes I had made prior to this incident and avoid a repeat. The neighborhood did look pretty with the orange glow dancing off the windows. I entertained the neighbors and they didn’t have to drive to Branson for a laugh. The yard is healing with the help of the landscaping service. I wonder if my wife will let me in the garage again.